Blogversation 2012: How do you make decisions without emotions clouding your judgment?

Throughout this year, several bloggers will engage in a conversation here and on their blogs — asking questions of each other and responding. Others are absolutely welcome to join the conversation, as well. Learn more about the ladies of Blogversation 2012.

Typically I post the week’s Blogversation question on Thursdays. This week’s is  a little late because it comes from Jennifer Worick, who’s up to her eyeballs in big business decisions.

The beauty of waiting a bit is that Jennifer is willing to talk with us about what’s really on her mind, and to invite us to share our thoughts on a big question she’s facing right now.

You can find her at jenniferworick.blogspot.com, on Twitter as @jennifer_worick:

How do you make sound business/career decisions without your emotions clouding your judgment?

I am in the process of making a gut-wrenching choice between two companies/two individuals who want to take my writing into a new arena. I can’t say much about it at this point, but I am seriously conflicted.

Every single woman I have spoken with—my agent, my leadership coach, my friends—has said “It’s not personal, it’s business” and urged me to take a certain path. I keep hedging, feeling—knowing—I’d disappoint the other party (who, by the way, I only know by way of two phone calls). When I think about making a decision—which I have to do by week’s end—I feel sick to my stomach.

Whatever I do, it will feel awful.

But making the “smart,” objective decision is where the growth is, I’m finding out. I’ve often made decisions out of fear or guilt or obligation or whim. What I’ve called my gut instinct has really just been fear masquerading as some sort of deep spiritual truth. I grew up in an environment where it was a survival strategy to be accommodating, and I still find it excruciating to act otherwise. I’ve built a support system of people to help me make decisions that are more in my best interest, that will move me and my life forward.

But I still feel sick about it.

Blogversation 2012: What role does laughter, fun and humor play in your life?

Throughout this year, several bloggers will engage in a conversation here and on their blogs — asking questions of each other and responding. Others are absolutely welcome to join the conversation, as well. Learn more about the ladies of Blogversation 2012.

Today’s question — which should have gone up on Thursday, but apparently I did something screwy and that didn’t happen — comes from Eleanor Traubman, Creative Times, @creativetimes on Twitter:

Don’t laugh … or maybe you should … Eleanor Traubman wants to know about the role of laughter in your life.

What role does laughter, fun and humor play in your life?  Who or what makes you laugh and brings out the comic in you?

Blogversation 2012: How do you cope?

Throughout this year, several bloggers will engage in a conversation here and on their blogs — asking questions of each other and responding. Others are absolutely welcome to join the conversation, as well. Learn more about the ladies of Blogversation 2012.

Today’s question comes from Jennifer Worick, jenniferworick.blogspot.com, on Twitter as @jennifer_worick:

When things become overwhelming, how do you find balance, cope, or just plain get through it?

Jennifer Worick asks a question that I think will sound familiar to all of us -- about how you cope when you get overwhelmed.

I’ve had three massive deadlines. I wish I could say they were back to back but they overlapped, because I clearly have a hard time saying no. And this has led to me working until I go to bed, finding myself unable to sleep because of a racing mind, snapping because of a short temper, indulging in my victim/martyr complex, etc. So I have been trying different things: focusing on one task at a time, focusing on just what needs to be done today, meditation, massage, baths, isolation, etc.

So I’m asking this question in hopes of finding some kindred spirits, but also some concrete strategies to find balance during this lopsided period.

We all have the same 24 hours a day — how wisely are you using yours?

The clock can make you a little cuckoo if you let time get away from you. Flickr photo by Jim Woodward.

One of my favorite insights is that when someone says they don’t have time, what he really means is, “I choose to spend my time on something besides that.”

Because we all have the same 24 hours, and we all choose how to spend those hours, even if we don’t always choose wisely.

A great Wall Street Journal piece headlined Are You As Busy As You Think? suggested not rushing ever harder to get more done, but to be smarter about where our time goes.

Author Laura Vanderkam suggests:

• Keeping a time log. Like tracking meals, tracking time keeps us from spending it mindlessly or lying to ourselves about what we do with it. Checking Facebook five times a day at six minutes a pop adds up to two-and-a-half hours in a workweek — curiously, the exact amount of time the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends we exercise .
• Being honest. One study tracking people’s estimated and actual workweeks found that those claiming to work 70, 80, or more hours were logging less than 60.
• Asking yourself what you’d like to do with your time. Claiming to be busy relieves us of the burden of choice. But if you’re working 50 hours a week, and sleeping eight hours a night (56 per week) that leaves 62 hours for other things.
• Changing your language. Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “it’s not a priority,” and see how that feels. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.

We value being busy as a culture — if you ask someone how she’s doing, the answer is often “crazy busy” or some other such statement of how booked and important we are.

I’ve been consciously pruning activities from my life that seemed like time sucks, preferring to relax at home with my hubby or practice piano over many other busy-making obligations. But I’ve still been neglectful of regularly scheduling doctor’s appointments and haircuts, and need to face that it’s not time that prevents me from doing it but my own failure to make self-maintenance a priority.

Saying it that way makes me face that it’s not consistent with my values, and surely in my 24 hours a day, I can squeeze in taking better care of myself.

Making lists helps me — both the basic to-do items I want to bang out today and the high-priority goals I want to keep in focus. I like the idea of tracking my time, like a calorie log for the clock, and seeing how it lines up with the priorities on my lists.

What do you spend time on that you don’t value? What do you value that you need to fit into your regular schedule?

Blogversation 2012: Some highlights so far

Throughout this year, several bloggers will engage in a conversation here and on their blogs — asking questions of each other and responding. Others are absolutely welcome to join the conversation, as well. Learn more about the ladies of Blogversation 2012.

The Blogversation kicked off a month ago and in case you haven’t followed the conversation, this is a recap — like when a TV show opens with that montage that says, “Previously on Friday Night Lights.”

What’s a Blogversation? Each week, I post a question here. So far I’ve written the questions, andstarting next week, the bloggers will rotate asking each other questions. A panel of bloggers all respond, sometimes just a quick note in the comments, sometimes a full blog post they’ll link to in the comments.

I’ve described it as an online salon, while one smartypants called it an electronic form of The View.

You can call it what you want after reading some of the posts so far.

Blogversation 2012: What’s your experience with ending friendships?

I love Jen’s line: Perhaps I should borrow a page from my romantic relationship breakup playbook. “We don’t bring out the best in each other.”

Blogversation 2012: What’s your favorite blog post?

Maria shared two posts — one being her first on Salon about losing her newspaper job, and this:

This other piece is kind of a funny one about living life with large breasts (http://open.salon.com/blog/maria_stuart/2009/06/25/my_breast_friends_im_sticking_with_them). It’s different from anything I had ever written at a newspaper — it’s got the word “tits” in it — and it’s also quite personal. I re-read it from time to time and smile.

Jen’s story about how she came to blog about her cat’s death was both sweet and funny:

Sometimes I have a bad day, plain and simple, where writing is the last thing from my mind. Like, for instance, when my beloved cat Mac Daddy passed away. I was bereft. When my mom suggested I write about it, I’m ashamed to say I screamed at her over the phone, saying “The last thing I want to do is fucking write about this. My grief isn’t material!”

Of course it was. Rather, blogging about it was therapy. And my dad, a man who is as stingy with his compliments as his money, told me it was, in his opinion, the best thing I’d ever written. I cherish the fact that I got to him, and I access that well of love and grief every time I reread the post. So here it is: Mac Daddy: A Love Story: http://jenniferworick.blogspot.com/2009/01/mac-daddy-love-story.html.

Blogversation 2012: What are you passionate about even though you’re not good at it?

Lauren’s blog post helped inspire me to ask this question, so not surprisingly, I loved her answer:

What does it mean to be good at something? It’s an interesting question. It’s based entirely on recognition from people outside of you, of your performance stacked against everyone else’s. Being good at something is competitive, comparative. You don’t have to be passionate about something to be good at it.

Amy followed:

Lauren, I like that you turned the question upside down. I think I “fail” at many of my “hobbies” because I judge myself. *If I ran faster or further, I’d consider myself a runner…If I could draw a person’s face and it would actually look like them I’d consider myself an artist.* I’m trying to switch my default of “I’m not ‘good’ enough” to really find joy in the things I love to do. Right now, that’s yoga and cooking.

Blogversation 2012: What did you learn in 2011 that you’re carrying forward?

Maria wrote a lovely, powerful response about getting laid off as a newspaper editor, which starts out:

The past year taught me how well I can live on so much less.

For years, I felt like I had to keep working at a decently paying, full-time job that revealed itself to be quite stressful – too stressful – once it was gone.

The reverberation through my household was huge when I lost that job and with it, nearly two-thirds of our income. How will we ever make it, I thought as I wrung my hands.

“You’ll be surprised at how little you really need,” a neighbor told me.

Amy wrote about recovering from her years as a selfish child, including:

It took asking for forgiveness from my family for the “sins” of my past and practicing the mental thought process that taking care of myself isn’t selfish for me to slowly see myself for who I am today and communicating that with my family. I am looking at a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my table that I bought for myself. A few years ago I would have seen that as a selfish act. Now, I see it as a simple $4 way to take care of myself and I’m thinking about who I am going to give them to before I leave town this weekend.

Eleanor offered the wise observation: There was an experience that taught me about timing and trust, about having faith in seeds that I’ve planted.

Blogversation 2012: How do you get ideas for blog posts?

Amy chimed in simply: I run. Went for one yesterday … must be why I feel so inspired today!

Blogversation 2012: Do you make New Year’s resolutions?

Lesley shared two resolutions she made and I especially loved how she framed the second:

My second resolution is to practice daily being the type of person that I’d like to meet. The first two weeks of this felt odd (and were a little comical) but its a way to project myself into the future. I’m intentional about this shift practicing for an hour or an entire day. Smiling more, writing daily, being on time, showing extra love to family and friends and spreading positive energy when things are icky are just a few of the things that this new evolving “Lesley Ware” does.

Kim’s answer made me laugh and made me think:

I don’t make them. Perhaps its because I have such a hard time in general with NY’s Eve. SO MUCH PRESSURE! OMG I can barely stand it. Maybe it’s because there is this feeling that every single person around you is having the most extraordinary time of their life that night! And that one day “if you are really lucky” you’ll get to finally have it too!

And that’s the way January starts. All these people determined to “do it differently!” And I feel so undisciplined next to them all! It feels daunting. And rigid. And military like in the way it lands – so I wait it out. Til it’s quiet and less popular.

And come the end of January I begin to ruminate on what “I want to create in this next year” for myself. I don’t call it Resolutions – as that sounds so serious. This way it’s filled with less expectation and more hope.

Eleanor gave a lengthy response about why she sets goals with help from like-minded friends:

Goal-setting and goal-getting is so much more enjoyable and energizing when done in the context of solid relationships with people who know you and want you to have all that is good in life. At this point in my journey, I wouldn’t do it any other way.

Blogversation 2012: How and why did you become a blogger?

Kim got real with how frustrating technology is to her:

Why do I blog? The first question I must ask is “Do I?” I feel as though I’m a “Hiccup” Blogger….I get hit once in a while so powerfully that I just HAVE TO. What stops me from doing it on a semi-regular basis? Technology. I’m not a dumb blond, I’ll have you know, but I have NO PATIENCE most of the time for some of the things that technologically happen to me when I try to blog. Like for instance adding video. What a bee-atch! In fact that’s how I wanted to answer this question. Via video. But I got stopped. And believe me what stopped me would bore you to tears. And that makes me feel like an incompetent boob and once that happens the inspiration drains out of me like a leaky faucet.

When the inspiration stops -then I’m DOA.

Eleanor let us peek behind the curtain, too:

For the two weeks that followed my launch of creativetimes.blogspot.com, I had the writer’s version of stage fright; I barely slept or ate and I walked around with heart palpitations. The idea of being that visible scared the bejeezus out of me.

Lesley posted about how her blog slowly evolved and helped her identify a new direction for her career:

Shifting into the Blogosphere has opened many doors. When my job was eliminated in 2010 I had “The Creative Cookie” to turn to — it’s been a lifesaver. Blogging has enabled me to hone in on my interests and craft my future.

Kicking off Blogversation 2012 — join the conversation

In the three years I’ve been blogging here, I’ve been grateful for the opportunity to write regularly and to get to know topics and people that inspire me.

Even more so, I’ve loved the chance to engage in conversations about those topics and people.

Ages ago, when I was a young newspaper reporter, writing was mostly a one-way process. Occasionally I’d write a story and someone would call to yell at me, or more happily, someone would send a thank you note. But mostly I felt distant from my readers in those pre-Internet days. Perhaps my favorite thing about blogging is the opportunity to see which posts people are reading and to get immediate feedback.

To encourage a richer dialogue and get more voices into the mix, I’m launching a project called Blogversation 2012. I’ve invited some of my favorite bloggers to join a running conversation about creativity, passion, goals, values, happiness, relationships, career and food and drink.

It’s like an online salon of smart thinking.

It’s like a virtual coffee klatch.

Every week, we’ll post two questions here on my blog.  Participating bloggers will all respond, either here or on their own blogs.

Others are of course welcome to jump into the conversation by commenting and doing blog posts of their own. With this impressive, interesting group assembled, I think you’d be hard pressed not to want to join in the action.

In their own words, the Blogversation 2012 participants are:

Kim Ann Curtin

Kim Ann Curtin, founder & CEO of The Wall Street Coach, is the resilient and insanely resourceful executive coach and adviser to today’s progressive executives and entrepreneurs. A Conscious Capitalist and professional fixer who works with leaders to stop limiting behaviors, design inventive solutions and empower them and their high-performing teams to achieve results beyond their wildest dreams.

Kim is a connector within corporate industry and has worked with some of the more interesting and successful CEOs over the past 12 years. She instructs others on how to create wealth and meaning in their lives. A facilitator of Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey model and NonViolent Communication. Kim is currently writing a book on Conscious Financiers.

If she had to do it all over again, Kim would talk less and surf more.

Find Kim’s blog online at  www.TheWallStreetCoach.com. She is @kimanncurtin on Twitter.

*****

Lauren McCabe

Lauren McCabe is a writer who has also worked as a radio DJ, surf instructor, public relations consultant, SAT teacher, marketing director, and now, a social media strategist. She lives in New Orleans, a city driven by deep relationships, and she helps businesses build those relationships online, driving more sales, reaching new customers, and building their online reputation.

Lauren received her BA in English & Creative Writing from Columbia University and uses her major every single day of her life: from composing tweets that help businesses grow, to analyzing business plans. Study what you love, not what everyone says is practical, because loving what you do IS practical. When she’s not tweeting, Facebooking, and blogging, she’s writing about travel, work, and love, the three most important things. In her spare time, Lauren plays the harp, surfs in strange places (NYC & New Orleans), and works on her novel about mermaids.

Her blog is at http://mermaidchronicles.wordpress.com/and her Twitter handle is @mermaidtales.

*****

Maria Stuart and her son, Will

Maria Stuart is an award-winning journalist whose longtime newspaper position was “eliminated” for budget reasons in early 2009. After realizing her job loss was actually a liberation in disguise, she quickly became a popular blogger and Internet entrepreneur. She founded the community website LivingstonTalk.com, which has grown tremendously; in 2011, over 50,000 unique visitors read nearly 250,000 pages on the site. While delicately balancing the demands of her digital universe, her freelance writing and website building, her novel-in-progress and her home life, Stuart wonders how she ever found time for a “real” job.

She lives in Howell, Mich., with her husband, their nearly teenage son, and Ted, the hyper labradoodle who keeps her from sitting at the computer too long during the day.

You can check out her website at http://mariastuart.com. She’s on Twitter at @mariastuart.

*****

Amy Throndsen

Amy Throndsen, a Wisconsin-native wound her way around the western United States and East Asia as a “professional volunteer” with AmeriCorps National Civilian Community Corps and Peace Corps (China) and is now back in Wisconsin working for her family’s international
agricultural business, primarily responsible for heading the marketing and international sales efforts for Dual-Chamber Cow Waterbeds.

She has been a guest blogger for agriculture-focused and life-coaching blogs, and spent 2011 blogging about her 1-year journey to 1,000 running miles. Currently without a dedicated blog, she is excited about being a contributing member of the Blogversation 2012 with Colleen and company.

Find her on Twitter as @amyserves.

*****

Eleanor Traubman

Eleanor Traubman is the editor-in-chief of Creative Times, a blog designed to celebrate and inspire the artists of New York and beyond.

She leads Creative Conversations, a goal-setting group for women artists and entrepreneurs, and is also the arts writer for The Bank Street College of Education Alumni Blog.

Her mission? To bring people together through the arts, creativity, and humor.

Eleanor’s work has been featured in The New York Times, Time Out New York, The Brooklyn Paper, Family Circle, and Fitness, and she was listed as one of the Park Slope 100.

Eleanor is on Twitter under her blog name, @creativetimes.

*****

Lesley Ware

Lesley Ware is a New York-based fashion personality and teaching artist. Originally from Michigan’s West Coast, she loves all things unique and full of glitter. Her current creative interests include photography, sewing, and publishing.

Lesley has written for the DIY Business Association, Girl Scouts of the USA, Jones and CLAM magazines and the Women of Color Writers’ Workshop. Lesley’s photos can be seen on sites including The YBF.com, We Love Colors, and Essence Magazine. Lesley is also the featured model for TranquiliT, an eco-friendly fashion line.

When she’s not being creative you’ll find her spending time with her husband, stepson, and cat, Nina Bean. She blogs and posts pretty pictures at www.thecreativecookie.net.

On Twitter, Lesley is @creativecookie — not to be confused with Eleanor’s @creativetimes, we just happen to be a group blessed with loads of creativity.

*****

Jennifer Worick

Jennifer Worick has written or co-authored more than 25 books, including the New York TimesBestseller, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex. She has written on everything under the sun for national magazines, and currently writes a books column for today.com. In addition to finding her on bookshelves and newsstands, you can also check her out online at her blogs, word. and Things I Want to Punch in the Face.

Along with fellow author and publishing professional Kerry Colburn, she delivers publishing talks and workshops to help burgeoning authors get published. You can also catch Jennifer in university auditoriums and lecture halls, where she delivers side-splitting slide-show presentations.

She lives in Seattle and will be joining the Blogversation at word. She’s @jennifer_worick on Twitter.

******

You can follow the whole pack of Blogversationists on Twitter in one fell swoop by following our Twitter list.

And you can keep up on the conversation by clicking up there in the upper right to subscribe to Newvine Growing. You’ll get posts delivered to you free.

If you want to get notified of the responses to a particular post, you can subscribe to the comments when you leave a comment.

Child sexual abuse is a secret not worth keeping

Editor’s note: this post contains graphic sexual content and may be offensive to some readers. In fact, it should be offensive to all readers.

When I saw students taking to the streets to protest the firing of Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, I felt a wave of outrage. Actually, just rage.

How could those football fans conjure that much passion to defend their coach when no one had enough passion for the well being of young boys to pick up a phone? I get school spirit — football is a big deal at University of Michigan — but if the accusations came from their son, their brother, them, would they believe the most important thing is sports?

The grand jury report on Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State football defensive coordinator, goes on for 23 sickening pages, alleging a pattern of sexual abuse of young boys that spanned more than a decade.

These all remain unproven charges, Sandusky has not been convicted of anything. And yet, as more accusers have come forward, the narrative adds up to years of abuse of numerous children while no one stepped in.

I wish I were surprised. But sadly, I get it.

Child sexual abuse is the dirty little secret many people live with. The National Resource Council estimates Americans who have been sexually abused could be from a low of 20-24 percent to a high of 54-62 percent.  The number is hard to pin down in part because so many cases are never reported to the police.

Like mine.

I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was in elementary school. I never told my parents, though I learned years later they knew.

It might be hard to understand why an abused kid wouldn’t go to parents or a teacher or the police — if your home was robbed, you probably wouldn’t hide that out of shame.

But sexual abuse is twisted and complicated.

I can’t speak for all victims so I’ll refrain from using the royal “we” or the depersonalizing second-person “you.” This is just about me.

I felt sex was naughty and verboten, so going to my parents felt like confessing I’d done something wrong. My abuser compounded that with the typical pleas to keep our secret, which made me feel special because I was in on something the grown ups didn’t know.

Sex is complicated territory for an adult in a romantic relationship. Compound that by being far too young to comprehend what’s happening, why your body feels the way it does and why this other person wants you to do certain things. Give one of the people the advantages of age and power to manipulate the other, and fear of getting caught to fuel twisting the narrative, and I became a child who felt she had something to hide.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m doubting I’ll have the nerve to publish it — what will people think? I’ve been sitting on this draft for months.

Years ago, I volunteered at a domestic violence shelter. In our training, we learned about one of the many hurdles victims face in coming forward — it’s hard for people to hear what’s happened, so they’ll often discount the accusations. They’ll attack the accuser, call her a liar. To believe her raises too many questions.

Likewise, in cases of child sexual abuse:

• What if you suspected something for years and didn’t act? What does that say about you?
• What if you didn’t suspect anything? Does that mean you’re a bad judge of character? Does it mean you might have misplaced trust with others in your life?
• What if you’re wrong? What if it turns out to be the overactive imagination of a child, and you’ve accused a friend or family member of something dreadful — it’s so rarely a case of an eye witness, so the adult has a decision to make about making that big an allegation based on a child’s account. How many crazy, fanciful things have you heard kids say?
• What if you’d rather not know? If learning about abuse means you have to ask questions about taboo issues, and picture things you’d rather not, will your squeamishness keep you from going there?

Jason Berry, an investigative reporter who’s covered the child molestation charges against the Catholic church, wrote in the Atlantic:

as horrific as that image is of a coach sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in a shower, it is one of those ugly truths that people do not like to confront. The idea that something like that needs to be made public, or become part of a police report, it unsettles people. It just jars them. I’ve read hundreds of depositions in cases involving the church and priests. It’s amazing how many times the syntax and language becomes tortured and gnarled when bishops and monsignors in positions of authority try to explain why they didn’t do anything.

Suffering sexual abuse as a child was one of the defining experiences of my life. It made me mistrusting and fearful of people and made it hard for me to have healthy, trusting romantic relationships.

I’m grateful to have had some good counselors help me work through my baggage, which has made my experience more like an old sports injury. It doesn’t always hurt, but it flairs up occasionally, like when I had to endure years of people making casual jokes about Catholic priests abusing altar boys.

I imagine it’s difficult to understand why something that happened three decades ago still matters. To go back to the old injury example, a scar or a limp can stay with you for a lifetime. After suffering sexual abuse, I couldn’t be the same innocent, trusting child I was before. I felt different from my peers, betrayed by grown ups and ashamed of my own body. My earliest impressions of physical intimacy are marred by feelings like fear and confusion. Everything from my first kiss to my first serious relationship were colored by the abuse, dampening my joy at important landmarks.

According to the American Psychological Association:

Children and adolescents who have been sexually abused can suffer a range of psychological and behavioral problems, from mild to severe, in both the short and long term. These problems typically include depression, anxiety, guilt, fear, sexual dysfunction, withdrawal, and acting out. Depending on the severity of the incident, victims of sexual abuse may also develop fear and anxiety regarding the opposite sex or sexual issues and may display inappropriate sexual behavior. However, the strongest indication that a child has been sexually abused is inappropriate sexual knowledge, sexual interest, and sexual acting out by that child.

Adults who were sexually abused as children commonly experience depression. Additionally, high levels of anxiety in these adults can result in self-destructive behaviors, such as alcoholism or drug abuse, anxiety attacks, situation-specific anxiety disorders, and insomnia. Many victims also encounter problems in their adult relationships and in their adult sexual functioning.

If you have a strong childhood memory — say, your grandmother’s pie or your favorite family vacation — you know how intensely those experiences can come back if you see, hear or smell something that triggers it. Reading all these stories about Penn State stirred up my abuse memories. My hurt roared to life and took shape as fury about football fans’ reactions.

I imagined being one of those abused boys who told his story for the grand jury and questioning whether I’d done the right thing to come forward, watching the riots on campus and feeling that maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

Since I can’t reach out to hug those victims and tell them they’re not the ones who should be ashamed, this post is the best I can do.

To any abuse survivor, at Penn State or elsewhere, you aren’t alone. Lots of us have walked in your shoes.

My deepest hope is that all of this Penn State coverage will give another child the courage to talk to his parents or motivate an adult with suspicions to step in before it’s too late, and that those who suffered at the hands of an abuser will get help.

Melissa Dribben of the Philadelphia Inquirer recently wrote that Penn State is inspiring people to reach out:

The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network reported that in November, after the scandal broke, its online hot line providing confidential support for victims had the busiest month since it started in 2006. The average of 2,500 sessions a month jumped to 3,100.

Jeff Herman, a lawyer in Miami who represents victims of sexual abuse, said his website, which ordinarily receives 5,000 hits a month, got 15,000 in November.

Rick Reilly wrote a powerful story on espn.com talking to athletes who suffered childhood sexual abuse about their experience. NHL All-Star Theo Fleury and former Red Wing, Flame and Bruin Sheldon Kennedy know what’s really at stake here.

Reilly wrote:

This is not about Joe Paterno.

If these boys really were molested, groped and raped by a middle-aged ex-Penn State football coach, then whatever misjudgment Paterno made will be a single lit match compared to the bonfire these boys will walk in for years to come.

Many of them won’t be able to trust. Won’t be able to love. Won’t be able to feel — nor trust or love themselves.

Don’t feel sorry for Paterno. He’s had his life. Feel sorry for these boys, because they may never get one.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

Oprah’s resource for sexual abuse survivors and supporters

Warning signs a child might be sexually abused from StopItNow.org

Heading into a fourth year of evolution, revolution and living life intentionally

I launched this blog Jan. 1, 2009 in what I might describe in retrospect as pre-midlife crisis.

I’d spent five years in Michigan’s evening MBA program, focused on graduating and getting a new job in New York. Then having made that move, I enjoyed my new career for three years before beginning to ask “What’s next?” I’ve always been a girl with my eyes on the future, and this blog was a way for me to explore possibilities.

I’ve refined and evolved my vision for the blog over time, which seems only fitting for a blog about transformation. It’s seemed to work, as traffic has grown over these three years.

Initially I envisioned the focus as profiles of people who’d made dramatic life changes. Then I began to shift more toward the “living life intentionally” part of the equation, with more emphasis on stories about career, creativity and food and drink.

Now what?

Entering my fourth year with Newvine Growing, I’m again using the new year as a chance to reflect and refine, to make sure the blogging experience still inspires and excites me, which I hope translates into content with a unique perspective.

Part of the plan is what I’m calling Blogversation 2012. I’ve invited a handful of bloggers who I think have compelling ideas and unique views to engage in an online salon of smart thinking, posing questions of each other and responding both in the comments here and on their own blogs.

My hope is that more voices and perspectives will make for a richer dialogue, and that we’ll get lots of other people involved in the conversation, too.

You’ll meet the Blogversation participants just after the new year, when Newvine Growing celebrates another birthday.

David Brooks observes what happy and unhappy seniors seem to have in common

New York Times columnist David Brooks recently ran an interesting amateur sociology experiment: he solicited what he called “life reports” from people 70 years old and up, sharing what they had done well and poorly, then he combed them for lessons.

With the giant caveats that:

• these are people who read the New York Times and opted in to sharing their thoughts, so it’s hardly a cross section of the larger population
• I’m not sure how much these are learnable behaviors versus expressions of personality types

the results made for thought-provoking reading, and could help form some worthwhile New Year’s resolutions.

Among the conclusions Brooks shared — very abridged here:

Divide your life into chapters. The unhappiest of my correspondents saw time as an unbroken flow, with themselves as corks bobbing on top of it.

The happier ones divided time into (somewhat artificial) phases. They wrote things like: There were six crucial decisions in my life. Then they organized their lives around those pivot points.

Beware rumination. There were many long, detailed essays by people who are experts at self-examination. They could finely calibrate each passing emotion. But these people often did not lead the happiest or most fulfilling lives.

Many of the most impressive people, on the other hand, were strategic self-deceivers. When something bad was done to them, they forgot it, forgave it or were grateful for it. When it comes to self-narratives, honesty may not be the best policy.

You can’t control other people. David Leshan made an observation that was echoed by many: “It took me twenty years of my fifty-year marriage to discover how unwise it was to attempt to remake my wife. … I learned also that neither could I remake my friends or students.”

Lean toward risk. It’s trite, but apparently true. Many more seniors regret the risks they didn’t take than regret the ones they did.

Work within institutions or crafts, not outside them. For a time, our culture celebrated the rebel and the outsider. The most miserable of my correspondents fit this mold. They were forever in revolt against the world and ended up sourly achieving little.

Read the full article, with more takeaways and more examples of each, here.

Perhaps even more interesting, read the full essays here.

When you reflect on your life thus far, do any of the above tendencies ring true? Do you think of your life in chapters or regret the risks you’d failed to take, for example?

Insights from dying people to help the rest of us with living

You’ve probably heard the cliché that no one on his death bed wishes he’d spent more time at the office.

But while I was there as both my mother and stepmother died, I don’t have any great insight into the psyche of the dying and what they wish they had or hadn’t done with their time on earth.

So I was delighted to come across a blog called Inspiration and Chai, in which writer Bronnie Ware gives a summary of the thoughts in her book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” She shares insights from her time serving dying patients in palliative care.

What can we learn about living from those facing death?

A very abridged version of Bronnie’s powerful post includes these as the top five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.

So the cliché about spending more time at the office does show up — along with other powerful lessons, like being true to yourself and making it a priority to nurture friendships.

Read Bronnie’s post in its entirety here.

This is the time of year when many of us make New Year’s resolutions. Do you see anything on this list that inspires you to want to start 2012 differently?