Exercise isn’t just good for your body, it’s good for your mind

Me with my cruiser, who recently earned the nickname Sweet Lady Blue.

Me with my cruiser, who recently earned the nickname Sweet Lady Blue.

I started having knee pain last summer. It came from a combination of sitting in less-than-ergonomic positions as I worked at home and trying to take up running.

I tried to manage it with stretching, ice and ibuprofen, but since life in New York means daily walking, it seemed to get worse, not better. Finally I went to the doctor, which lead to three months of physical therapy several times a week.

That didn’t eliminate the ache, but it did lessen it.

What seems to have done the trick was daily bike riding in New Orleans. We’re renting an apartment in a lovely residential neighborhood, and going out often means a half hour bike ride there and back. My dad, a longtime runner, had suggested cycling would strengthen my knee and get rid of the pain, and here’s a case where father knew best.

Just as I was realizing biking might have cured my knee, I read an article on the New York Times website that suggested my body wasn’t the only beneficiary. They reported on two studies showing exercise can improve memory.

In one study, published in The Journal of Aging Research, scientists at the University of British Columbia studied women ages 70-80 with mild cognitive impairment. For six months, some of the women lifted weights twice a week, others briskly walked, still others stretched and toned.

The women who had walked or done weight training performed better on almost all of the cognitive tests after six months. The women who walked improved their verbal memory more than those who lifted weights.

A second study of exercise and memory, published in the journal Neuroscience, looked at rats that either ran on wheels or did something approximating weight lifting — if you consider strapping weights to a rat’s tail weight lifting.

Rats in both groups scored better on memory tests after six weeks, scientists at the Psychobiology and Exercise Research Center in São Paulo, Brazil, found.

Plus researchers found the runner rats had more of a protein associated with supporting the health of existing neurons and with the creation of new brain cells, while the “weight trainer” rats had more of a different protein, this one associated with cell division and helping new neurons thrive.

The Times article concluded:

What all of this new research suggests, says Teresa Liu-Ambrose, an associate professor in the Brain Research Center at the University of British Columbia who oversaw the experiments with older women, is that for the most robust brain health, it’s probably advisable to incorporate both aerobic and resistance training. It seems that each type of exercise “selectively targets different aspects of cognition,” she says, probably by sparking the release of different proteins in the body and brain.

… “When we started these experiments,” she says, “most of us thought that, at best, we’d see less decline” in memory function among the volunteers who exercised, which still would have represented success. But beyond merely stemming people’s memory loss, she says, “we saw actual improvements,” an outcome that, if you’re waffling about exercising today, is worth remembering.

So my knee is feeling better, and maybe my brain is, too.  Read more about how exercise might help your brain — but maybe go for a bike ride first, so you can remember the details.

When 23 seconds might be all that separated life from death

We met a woman this weekend who ran the Boston Marathon.

It didn’t come up until we’d chatted for a while at a party. She didn’t even bring it up, but after she casually mentioned that she’s a marathoner, I asked if she knew anyone in Boston.

I was there, she said, before adding she’d finished just 23 seconds before the bombs went off at the finish line.

I was astounded at how calmly she shared that she’d had a brush with death just a few days before.

Then her partner scribbled down the URL for his blog, where the two of them shared their moving experiences of trying to figure out what was happening then find each other in the chaos.

Kirsten’s first-hand account begins:

It is this set of pictures that has caused me the most consternation.  Looking at the clocks triggers heart palpitations, shortness of breath and a tightening in my midsection as well as a desire to breathe into a brown paper bag.  23 seconds?  23 seconds!  23 seconds.  Originally, I told people it was less than 2 minutes; then I said less than 1 minute.  I even amended it to less than 30 seconds.  But that was a best guess at the time.  Until I saw the pictures. 23 seconds.

I recently summarized Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder:” a trip back in time to a dinosaur hunt, a scare and misstep off the path, a step on a butterfly and . . . history changed.  Just one small alteration and all of humankind was affected!   I’m not making an extrapolation of my experience to all of mankind, but I am thinking of all the places where I stayed on my path that led to those 23 seconds.

Microsoft Word - The Path.doc

Reading Kirsten’s experience got me reflecting on the thin line between us and our demise. Had she been just a little faster slower* in Boston, we might not have met her on Sunday.

My husband, John, hates getting caught in traffic. Sometimes as we’re inching along, I’ll say that this little delay might be the thing keeping us from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe our guardian angels work in the form of road repair crews?

Sometimes our brushes with death are dramatic — a car crash, cancer, a bombing — and other times, more subtle or maybe even missed entirely. But I’m taking Kirsten’s story as yet another chance to reflect on my own gratitude for waking up each morning.

Read more on Reefer Fish.

** Thanks to Margaret for pointing out I had the speed element backwards.

Related blog posts:

Are you the kind of person who gets joy from life or who is irritated by life?

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. – Dalai Lama

I had breakfast with a friend this week where among other things, we talked about a simplified view of human nature: are you a person who is irritated by life or a person who gets joy from life?

Sure, I complain about things  but overall, I aim to get joy from life, so I loved this article headlined “22 Things Happy People Do Differently.” It speaks to the choices we make about how to live our lives, including where we put our energies.

Here are some highlights:

There are two types of people in the world: those who choose to be happy, and those who choose to be unhappy. Contrary to popular belief, happiness doesn’t come from fame, fortune, other people, or material possessions. Rather, it comes from within. The richest person in the world could be miserable while a homeless person could be right outside, walking around with a spring in every step. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves.

The question is: how do they do that?

1. Don’t hold grudges.

Happy people understand that it’s better to forgive and forget than to let their negative feelings crowd out their positive feelings. Holding a grudge has a lot of detrimental effects on your wellbeing, including increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Why let anyone who has wronged you have power over you? If you let go of all your grudges, you’ll gain a clear conscience and enough energy to enjoy the good things in life.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.

Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that being kind makes you happier? Every time you perform a selfless act, your brain produces serotonin, a hormone that eases tension and lifts your spirits. Not only that, but treating people with love, dignity, and respect also allows you to build stronger relationships.

3. See problems as challenges.

The word “problem” is never part of a happy person’s vocabulary. A problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge.

4. Express gratitude for what they already have.

There’s a popular saying that goes something like this: “The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.” You will have a deeper sense of contentment if you count your blessings instead of yearning for what you don’t have.

5. Dream big.

People who get into the habit of dreaming big are more likely to accomplish their goals than those who don’t. If you dare to dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Happy people ask themselves, “Will this problem matter a year from now?” They understand that life’s too short to get worked up over trivial situations. Letting things roll off your back will definitely put you at ease to enjoy the more important things in life.

7. Speak well of others.

Being nice feels better than being mean. As fun as gossiping is, it usually leaves you feeling guilty and resentful. Saying nice things about other people encourages you to think positive, non-judgmental thoughts.

8. Never make excuses.

Benjamin Franklin once said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Happy people don’t make excuses or blame others for their own failures in life. Instead, they own up to their mistakes and, by doing so, they proactively try to change for the better.

12. Choose friends wisely.Misery loves company.

That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with optimistic people who will encourage you to achieve your goals. The more positive energy you have around you, the better you will feel about yourself.

13. Never seek approval from others.

Happy people don’t care what others think of them. They follow their own hearts without letting naysayers discourage them. They understand that it’s impossible to please everyone. Listen to what people have to say, but never seek anyone’s approval but your own.

14. Take the time to listen.

Talk less; listen more. Listening keeps your mind open to others’ wisdoms and outlooks on the world. The more intensely you listen, the quieter your mind gets, and the more content you feel.

15. Nurture social relationships.

A lonely person is a miserable person. Happy people understand how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships. Always take the time to see and talk to your family, friends, or significant other.

22. Accept what cannot be changed.Once you accept the fact that life is not fair, you’ll be more at peace with yourself.

Instead of obsessing over how unfair life is, just focus on what you can control and change it for the better.

I don’t know how scientific the analysis of what happy people do or don’t do is or whether it’s statistically correct — but these just feel like good advice. You can read the full article here.

Are you the “get off my lawn!” person? Or are you reveling in the happiness that life gives you?

From Debbie Gisonni on Huffington Post, 10 ways to be happier

From livelifehappy.com, a good reminder to love your life now, instead of waiting until you complete the next 7 tips.

From livelifehappy.com, a good reminder to love your life now, instead of waiting until you complete the next 7 tips. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Aren’t we all suckers for a good how-to list: 9 ways to lose weight, 15 tips for a happier marriage and so on?

I know it’s not just me, both because I see what’s on the cover of every magazine in the grocery store AND because I’ve been to conferences where magazine people talk about the psychology of how compelling those numbered lists are.

So in the interest of giving the people what they want, I recommend you read “10 Ways to Be Happier” on Huffington Post.

Among the ways Debbie Gisonni suggests you can bring more happiness into your life:

1. Find the humor.
Don’t you love being around someone who makes you laugh? There is humor to be found in just about anything that happens, even if it’s just isolated moments within a grim situation.

2. Accept yourself and your life.
Accept yourself, with all your imperfections, and accept your life with all its ups and downs. Imperfections are what make you interesting. Life’s ups and downs are what make it exciting. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same and nothing ever changed?

5. Develop your intuition.
Believe it or not, tapping into your natural insight and intuition will make life much easier and happier. It can save you lots of time agonizing over decisions, and in some cases, it can even save your life. The best way to develop your intuition is through some kind of meditative practice. That could be as simple as taking a mindful walk, a yoga class, or practicing a few deep breaths every day.

8. Slow down.
When you move quickly, you push aside all the things that give our life meaning, like being generous, thankful or kind to people. At the end of your life, it doesn’t matter how much you got done in record time. What matters most is how many people you impacted positively and how much of your time was spent lovingly.

10. Make someone else happy.
Think about how many ways you can make someone happy. It could be a pleasant smile, a compliment, a gift, a favor or anything else that brings joy to another. When you live your life with compassion and kindness for others, it gives you a natural “high” on happiness.

There are obviously five more where these came from, and I’ve given just a short version of the five above, so check out the rest: “10 Ways to Be Happier”

For more by Debbie Gisonni, click here. For more on happiness, click here.

Related posts on Newvine Growing:

From Marc and Angel Hack Life, 30 things to start doing for yourself

One of the themes I come across consistently in seeking out fodder for my blog is that happiness is not something you get because of external forces — you will *not* become happy simply because you get a new job or lose 20 pounds — but instead is something you cultivate internally.

So I could lose myself in the wonderful blog Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for a Productive Life. Their posts are full of actionable ways to become happier, including:

I especially loved their post “30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself,” because it speaks to your ability to make yourself happier — both by taking conscious responsibility for the choices you make about your lifestyle and environment, and by highlighting the importance of your own mindset.

I wanted to pick a handful of their tips to highlight, but had a difficult time deleting any, so here are the first six:

  1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways.  They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
  2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them.  Problems will not disappear unless you take action.  Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done.  It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch.  These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
  3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed.  Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become.  Be honest with every aspect of your life, always.  Because you are the one person you can forever count on.  Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are.  Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
  4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter.  If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself.  Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you.  And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
  5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Be yourself.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
  6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle.  Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you.  Right now is life.  So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future.  Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past.  Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening.  Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

If those six speak to you, I urge you to read the rest here.

Related posts on Newvine Growing:

Take care of your health, ego and haters be damned

Like so many others, I am thinking the new year is a good time to recommit to exercise. Health clubs are full this time of year.

Many won’t make it ’til Valentine’s Day before they drop off.

But Lindy West isn’t a hit it and quit it gym member. She wrote a sassy, funny, inspiring article on Jezebel headlined, “Hello, Fellow Gym-Goers, Look at My Fat Butt.” It says in part:

For the bazillionth time, it is known, I am pretty fat. We have covered this. And yet, contrary to popular belief, I sometimes participate in non-fat activities such as exercising, enjoying a crispy salad, not crying, wearing a pencil skirt, and not reclining under the gravy spout all day while I wait for Jerry Springer to de-fuse my giant butt from my toilet. It’s true! Go ahead and verify it! E-mail my mom! I will wait.

…See? ‘Kay. So, for yeeeeeears, before I shacked up with an artist and signed a really expensive (but totally worth it) lease, I used to go to the gym every day. I worked out with a personal trainer. I went to classes. I showered in public. And it was really, really fucking difficult—but not for the reasons you might think.

The more I exercised, the more I loved it. I felt strong and lean, I had tons of energy, I slept like a brick. But my body didn’t look much different. You’d still see me on the street and read “fat person.” And as a fat person, going to the gym is doubly challenging. There’s the basic challenge we all face—of getting the fuck out of bed, finding a clean sports bra, physically moving your body toward a place where a man will yell at you until you do enough lunges (IT DEFIES ALL EVOLUTIONARY LOGIC)—but for fat people, there’s an even more intimidating challenge on top of that.

It’s entering a building where you know that every person inside is working toward the singular goal of not becoming you.

I’ve worked out in some nice New York City gyms and been intimidated by how aggressively good looking the patrons are. When I work out, I sweat profusely, I don’t have the greatest sense of balance and I make funny faces. But I think exercise, like sex, requires you to get over yourself a little or you won’t get the most out of it.

I’m not wearing a super-cute-super-expensive exercise ensemble? So what, I don’t go to the gym for a fashion show, chica. I’m there to work off that extra glass of wine.

My pal Lara wrote a related post about how discovering her love of spinning meant being willing to be a beginner. Her headline: Let’s All Look Like Asshats! She writes:

Photo of indoor bikes by Riviera Fitness, used with permission under Creative Commons.

Photo of indoor bikes by
Riviera Fitness, used with permission under Creative Commons.

Can I just tell you? I WAS SO SCARED. Holy crap.

I mean, I really didn’t want to go. And also? I didn’t have a friend to go with me, so I was winging it solo. And having never done this before, I didn’t really know what to expect.

If you’ve seen my posts about Ypsi Studio before (which is where I work out), you know that my gym is a really community-oriented place. Well, imagine being on the OUTSIDE of the community and walking into a space where everyone knows everyone — except you. YOU are the outsider. And you are here to do something you’ve never done before.

Holy fishsticks, I was petrified. I was going to look like an asshat. And be on the outside of a tight group of people while I did it.

I’d love to tell you I didn’t look like a struggling newbie that first time on the bike. But I kind of did. I mean, everyone looks like a struggling newbie in their first ever indoor cycling class. But that’s kind of part of trying something new. You’re going to not look like a total professional for a while.

In college, a few of us from the college newspaper staff took an aerobics class a coworker of us taught. I didn’t own gym shoes or a sports bra and I’d never done aerobics in my life, but off we went to support our friend — well, some of us were there to support our friend, one was there to try to date her.

And in spite of us all looking sort of uncoordinated and ridiculous, not having any idea what we were doing, he succeeded! They’re married with kids now. So love is one possible outcome of suiting up for a new exercise regime.

But so is feeling better. Or looking better. Or just demonstrating to yourself that you’re worth spending time and money to take care of.

Let’s hear it for the people wobbling through their first yoga classes, the newbie runners hoping to make it 10 minutes without passing out, the fat butts getting off the couch and going to the gym, regardless of what others might think.

Recapping posts you might’ve missed about living life intentionally

Maybe you have this holiday week off, or maybe you’re just enjoying a little come down after a jam-packed month of parties, shopping, pageants or religious observances.

I love the holidays — taking down the Christmas tree is one of my least favorite days of the year — but feels like many of us have let out a small sigh of relief that the busy, indulgent weeks are coming to a close.

In case you’re enjoying your first chance to do some reading in a while, here’s a sampler platter of some Newvine Growing posts you might have missed.

People and profiles

New Year’s resolutions  and life goals

Happiness

Relationships and marriage

Music

Business and the economy

Once the time for shopping has passed, it’s time to be thankful

How graciously do you receive the gifts you are given?This photo by Scott Miller reused under Creative Commons license.

How graciously do you receive the gifts you are given?
This photo by Scott Miller reused under Creative Commons license.

All over America, kids are playing with new toys and piles of wrapping paper are stuffed into trash bags.

Perhaps you’re breathing a sigh of relief that the trips to crowded stores are over, along with the damage to your credit card.

But what if someone bought you a gift and you didn’t get her anything? Or what if someone gave you something much nicer than you gave her?

Will you go online tonight to hurriedly order something?  Or stew in your discomfort and embarrassment?

What if you gave someone a present significantly better than what you got in return? Are you keeping score?

Whatever the inequity, it might be a good place to practice receiving graciously.

I recently read a blog post headlined, “Do You Graciously Receive?,” that included this anecdote:

… Kate commented that someone had a sharp response to her wanting to buy their coffee being next in line at a coffee shop.  This might be a classic example of what you wouldn’t normally expect someone to respond like to an act of kindness but it seems that in reality, things are much more difficult to graciously receive than one might think.

Many times I think that serving others is actually easier than receiving from others.  Perhaps you’ve heard about someone getting mad over paying for their coffee and think you would never do this yourself.  You would likely want to simply thank the person and move on, but I doubt you would find it that easy.

The author discusses how common it is for us to dismiss a compliment or wave off an offer to help, discouraging the other person from kindness and keeping a distance between us. He also notes how fights can break out over who picks up the check when friends dine out together.

We’re programmed to a certain amount of this score keeping. It’s part of the social code of reciprocity — I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

In an NPR story on reciprocation, Robert Cialdini, emeritus psychologist at Arizona State University, explains the social contract that holds a community together:

“We are obligated to give back to others, the form of behavior that they have first given to us,” he says. “Essentially thou shall not take without giving in return.”

And so if someone passes you in the hall and says hello, you feel compelled to return their greeting. When you don’t, you notice it, it makes you uncomfortable, out of balance. That’s the rule of reciprocation.

“There’s not a single human culture that fails to train its members in this rule,” Cialdini says.

This is probably because there are some obvious benefits to the rule of reciprocation; it’s one of those rules that likely made it easier for us to survive as a species.

But there are so many ways to reciprocate that aren’t about objective bookkeeping.

When we went to Burning Man this year, an art event in the Nevada desert that operates on a gift economy, I was struck by participants’ comfort with both giving and receiving. People gave freely, without strings, so recipients were freed up to enjoy the gift without expectations — and an appreciative thank you seemed a lovely way to reciprocate.

I don’t think anyone likes to feel taken advantage of. It doesn’t feel good to give a gift that’s not acknowledged or appreciated, which is part of what reciprocity does. It shows us the other person saw value in what we gave.

So maybe saying a real thank you is the foundation of graciously receiving?

And if you can’t afford a gift that costs as much as the one you received from a friend or family member, maybe the dollar figure matters less than giving a present that shows genuine thoughtfulness?

If your gift giving is done for the holiday season, then how about spending the next few days reflecting on all those who’ve shown you generosity and letting them know how much you appreciate it?

I have pointers on thank you notes, if you’d like a little help getting started …

Happy holidays!

 

Blogversation 2012: Has the Newtown tragedy changed you?

Throughout this year, several bloggers will engage in a conversation here and on their blogs — asking questions of each other and responding. Others are absolutely welcome to join the conversation, as well. Learn more about the ladies of Blogversation 2012.

Today’s question comes from Kay Hoffman Goluska, who blogs at Pen on Pointe.  She’s @PenOnPointe on Twitter.

Kay Hoffman Goluska wants to know how the Newtown shootings affected you

The original topic I had in mind, which I had mulled over in my head for a while seems rather trite in the face of the grief so many are experiencing over the Newtown tragedy.

Sure, life must go on – but I decided it might just be simpler to discuss some real issues that are weighing heavily on our minds right now.  Given the types of discussions I have had with friends recently – ranging from religion, violence in history, gun control, mental health issues and the like – I thought I would propose we have a heart to heart about this.

I know from my own experience that the grief you feel after the death of a loved one is a lingering pain that crops up unexpectedly and seems to drag on endlessly.  I cannot possibly fathom what the people of Newtown are experiencing, and my heart goes out to them.  This is beyond tragic.  It is horrific.  I wish to God it had never happened, but the sad fact it has.  So the question I have for you is:  ”What do we do now?”
When all of this occurred I was in the midst of preparing for our opening night of our dance school’s performance of the Nutcracker.  I didn’t allow the shock of what happened sink in until later, but as I was walking on stage, looking around at all the children involved I was struck by how much I love mankind.  How much I loved these little kids, sometimes hellions, that make up my life.  I turned to see my 4 children lined up in the wings, preparing to dance, act, and perform for a crowd.  It was all I could do to stop myself from running over to hug them, fighting the urge to touch them.  I met the eyes of some of the other adults and I knew they were thinking much the same thing.

What will I do?  I won’t take what is in my life for granted again.  I have even found myself shaking off the impatience I sometimes feel with my children.  I have tried to actually bend down to their level, look them in the eyes, give them my love.  I have taken the time to tell people I appreciate them, or find something complementary about them to discuss.  It has reaffirmed my belief that life is too short to get caught up in the little stuff, but to focus on what matters.  To love and be loved.

Whether you have children or not, it is hard not to be affected by the current events.

Has the Newtown tragedy changed you? What will you do now?

On reporting the pain of parents who have lost children

I miss many things about working at a newspaper.

Sure, I continue to freelance (and to blog) to scratch my reporting itch, but it’s a different experience from working in a newsroom. I’m grateful I get to interview people and tell stories, but I sometimes miss the exhilaration of working side by side to dig into a big, important story or to race against deadline to pull the facts together.

What I *don’t* miss is knocking on the door of a grieving family to ask about a child who’s just died.

I’m not entirely sure why, but we have a desire to know more about the person who died and those left behind. Maybe it’s morbid curiosity, maybe it’s something bigger, like grieving as a community or trying to understand what happened so we can prevent future deaths. Maybe we want to picture ourselves in that family’s shoes, imagine how we might cope in similar circumstances, then say a prayer of thanks that it’s not us.

I’m an ENFP personality, which among other things means I’m sensitive and empathetic. When this worked to my advantage as a reporter, I was able to connect with people and get them talking, sometimes sharing more than they meant to. When it worked against me, I’d carry home people’s pain and suffering, to the point that I started seeing a therapist specifically to learn skills to put a little distance between other people’s feelings and my own.

As I watched coverage of the dreadful school shooting in Newtown, Conn., I pictured myself one of the journalists trying to tell that story — knowing that some families would want to tell the world about the person they’d just lost or maybe use the opportunity to call for gun reform, while others would slam the door feeling violated by a media vulture.  Even the local newspaper has issued a plea for journalists to keep their distance:

The Newtown Bee has almost 5,000 likes for its plea to leave the shooting victims alone.

The Newtown Bee has almost 5,000 likes for its plea to leave the shooting victims alone.

The first time I had to interview a family that had lost a child I was still a teenager myself. I was working at my college paper and a fellow student died in a car wreck. I don’t remember if my editors asked me or told me to do the story, but I do remember sitting on the floor of my editor’s office, sobbing. I’d never met the student who died so they weren’t tears of my own grief, but from the weight of what these people I’d never met were feeling.

Around that same time, I was interning at the Saginaw News when two boys were killed by a hit and run driver. One had been spending the night at his friend’s house, and when the friend’s mother went to work that night, they’d gone on a night bike ride that turned fatal.

My editors sent me out to talk to the parents and I got a lesson in the possible extremes. One family welcomed me in, showed me their son’s bedroom as he left it, told me stories as we flipped through a photo album. The mother who’d been at work when the boys went out screamed at me, maybe suffering an acute case of “what if” guilt because she hadn’t been home to keep them safe, maybe just not wanting a stranger to intrude in her time of pain.

An ABC producer tried to get an interview with a Newtown source after the school shooting there. The recipient of the tweet was less than pleased.

An ABC producer tried to get an interview with a Newtown source after the school shooting there. The recipient of the tweet was less than pleased. For more about reporters using Twitter for Newtown coverage, click to go to the Poynter story.

I thought of these experiences as I read a story on journalism site Poynter.org about journalists using social media to reach out to sources about the Newtown shooting.

In a story that begins, “Any journalist who’s had to ask grieving loved ones for an interview in the wake of a tragedy will tell you, it’s one of the hardest parts of her job,” Jeff Sonderman goes on to describe the challenge of being compassionate in 140 characters when asking for an interview.

Honestly, I felt the same about using the phone. I couldn’t assess the situation to see what I was interrupting, I couldn’t tell if the person on the other end was in the middle of a good, hard cry.

A few years out of college, I was the education reporter at a weekly newspaper. A pretty 16-year-old sophomore lost control of her car, it flipped and she was killed.

I steeled myself and went to talk to Jennifer Morabito’s family. I’m still blown away remembering how they treated me like a family friend. I sat with them as they cried about their loss and laughed at stories of how she and her brother teased each other and about how he gave her the nickname Baby Doll.

Then a few months later the high school’s homecoming queen died in a similar way, losing control of her car.

In a small town, the homecoming queen is something of a public figure, so I thought maybe Tina Vaquera’s parents would be receptive to talking about their daughter.

But I called, and was told no, rather firmly.

On my next job evaluation, my editor called out my lack of persistence in pursuing the Vaquera family.

Maybe another reporter would have tried harder, but the empathetic, sensitive one just wasn’t up to pressing the issue. I’m happy to leave that to journalists who are better at it than I was.

I wrote a column in 1994 after a second teen died in a car crash in the small school district I covered in the same year.

I wrote a column in 1994 after a second teen died in a car crash in the small school district I covered in the same year.

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