What life lesson did you learn the hard way?

What is it about touching a hot stove that's so appealing to toddlers? Here's a stove guard to save Junior from cooking his hand.

My last two blog posts on marriage lessons I’ve learned through 10 years of experience have generated far more traffic than my humble blog usually gets.

That proves to me that the magazines that put “101 ways to get a flat stomach by Memorial Day” or “7 tips to improve your sex life” on the cover really do know what they’re doing.

But here’s the funny thing: while I think we have a huge appetite for those easy-to-consume lists of how to make our lives better, sometimes the only way we really internalize the knowledge is to learn it ourselves the hard way.

Think of telling a toddler not to touch a hot stove. Does he listen when you pull his hand away and say “hot” or does he listen when he burns his hand and cries?

Today I’m going to try to have it both ways.

First, I’m asking all of you to share the story of a life lesson you learned the hard way.

It could be anything — work, marriage, parenting, exercise, cooking, car maintenance, you name it.

Second, I’ll pull together a list of the lessons you share for a future blog post.

Because maybe someone out there reading a list of “11 ways to improve your life today” will actually learn from your experience instead of having to go through the hardship personally.

Please share your life lessons in the comments, or if you prefer to share via e-mail, send them to me at cnewvine at gmail dot com.

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Be careful what you wish for: setting goals you’re sure you want

Here's a peek at my 2010 goals, which focus on the essence of what I want in my life, not the specifics.

I read a story once — I wish I could remember where, so maybe you can help me — that helps shape how I set my life goals.

A woman was pursuing a new job and found a great-sounding position at a company she respected, and she began to pray with all her heart that she would get that job. She landed the job and soon found she hated it. She’d gotten her wish but was miserable.

The woman would have been better off to think about why she thought she wanted that job — salary, opportunity to learn new skills, chance for advancement — and pray for that.

Why? Among other things, once you’ve already decided your path, it’s easier to tune out the warning signs. In hindsight, how many times have you seen copious signals that you were making a bad choice? But at the time, you waltzed right past them, perhaps thrilled with your good luck to have gotten what you wanted most.

That’s why I write my goals the way I do.

I don’t say, for example, I want a promotion and a raise at my current company. I can’t see into the future to know if that would make me happy. But why might I want a promotion and a raise? Because I want to be well compensated for work that’s interesting, challenging and rewarding and to be valued by my managers. THAT I’ll put in my goals.

I don’t say that we love living in our current apartment. I say that we love where we live. What if we got an offer tomorrow to live in a place twice as big for half the price and it was stunningly beautiful? Do I want to be attached to the apartment we’re renting and not take that? No way. So my goals include loving our home, cooking in our kitchen and entertaining friends, and enjoying a vibrant neighborhood.

For me, writing my goals is an exercise in first thinking about what I want, then asking why why why? When I don’t feel I can get any deeper on “why?” then I write down that answer as a goal.

Among my goals:

• I have close friendships that are a priority in my life. We spend time with smart, interesting, positive people who make us laugh and who inspire us. They enrich my life. They are positive people who inspire and uplift me.
• I keep learning. I attend conferences and seminars, read books and seek out people who are on a similar path to help me stay intellectually stimulated.
• My marriage with John is fun and vibrant. We enjoy each other’s company, we make each other a priority and we show each other we love each other in big and small ways.

(Yes, I do name John specifically in my goals. Hey, we’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s so stuck with me.)

What are your life’s goals? And why?

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Some past blog posts on goal setting:

• Changing six habits in a year
• Making resolutions you can keep
• Why should you make goals?
• Decide what you want and declare it in no uncertain terms

Your comments make this a real conversation. Keep ‘em coming!

A few recent blog posts got conversations started, though most of the insights were shared elsewhere. I’m bringing some of it back here to make sure you get to enjoy input from other readers.

My post on the dancing baby video and why adults should follow the little ones’ example drew some comments on WordPress, plus several more on Facebook. My old friend Margaret started it off:

Margaret Yang I dance like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld. Maybe if I’d gotten more practice as a kid…

Margaret didn’t realize she was playing my straight man, giving me the opportunity to make the exact point I’d been feeling as I wrote the original post but neglected to express: I don’t believe kids care whether they’re good at singing or dancing, they just do it because it’s enjoyable. It’s not about impressing other people but about your own personal enjoyment. Somewhere along the way, we get too concerned about other people and start censoring ourselves.

Or, as my fabulous husband John Tebeau points out in blog comments, it’s not always self censoring. It’s also that all-too-common chiding people do of each other — how many times have you heard someone make fun of a friend for being a bad singer? “What’d you do with the money? What money? The money your mom gave you for singing lessons?”

Grownups don’t dance because many of them have a perfectionist complex. Plus, other people (let’s call them ‘jerks’) take it upon themselves to shame, criticize and ridicule those who express themselves (singing, dancing, etc.) in ways that are less than professional-quality. It’s not cool. Stop doing it! Thank you.

The conversation continued on Facebook:

Scott Aikens You’re right, but I’ll put a spin on it. I’m an atrocious singer, but I love to sing to my kid. She seems to like it, too, because she doesn’t care that I’m atrocious (unless I sound like a dying cow; which can kind of scare her). In any case, her inhibition allows me to sing unihibitedly, which is fun!

Lisa Baker Redding As my son’s music therapist put it-playing music, listening to music or dancing (moving body to music) activates both hemispheres of the brain and gets those neural connections going which is so important for growth and development

So in summary, I’ll repeat my call to arms. Please, please dance and sing. Don’t worry what other people think. Chances are Simon Cowell will not shred your performance. And if he does, he’s got me and John to answer to.

On another topic, my post on Julie and Julia prompted these two comments on Facebook:

Bryan Laviolette Very good movie. We enjoyed it, although I left the movie a little disappointed since they never fully resolved Julia Child’s feelings about Julie Powell’s blog. I wanted to know why (guess it’s the reporter in me, always wanting to ask the why question).

Tina Garzelloni Versaw I loved the book and the movie, of course the movie left some things out, but they always do.

And at last count, Theresa Walsh Giarrusso’s post about my asking whether couples should sleep in separate beds has drawn more than 100 comments.

Check out Momania to read the thoughtful, passionate insights of Atlanta Journal Constitution readers.

Thanks for sharing your feedback. It’s part of what makes this blog so much fun. Keep it coming!